It started, as most catastrophes do, with cheap tequila and a full moon the color of a fresh bruise.
Panic is not a strong enough word. Have you ever tried to have "the talk" with the Prince of Darkness? He doesn't have a phone number. He has a hotline you dial with your own blood. When I finally got through—after sacrificing a goat and a perfectly good slice of pepperoni pizza—his voice didn't boom. It slithered. Like snakes on a linoleum floor.
Love is blind. Demonic romance is just blind, deaf, and armed with a flamethrower. I Knocked Up Satan S Daughter A Demonic Romantic
Her name was Lilith—or "Lil" for short, which should have been my first red flag. She had eyes like twin voids and a smile that promised eternal damnation in the best possible way. When she walked into the dive bar, the jukebox switched from Johnny Cash to Bauhaus on its own. The neon sign above the pool table flickered and spelled out DIE for a solid three seconds before going back to BEER .
I wouldn't trade it for anything.
"I—sir—Mr. Morningstar—it was consensual?"
The Horns of a Dilemma
So here I am. Thirty-two years old. Unemployed. About to become the father of the Antichrist's half-sibling. Lilith is currently in the other room, eating pickles dipped in Nutella, crying because she saw a commercial for a puppy. Her halo—which she swears she stole from a cherub in a bar fight—keeps flickering on and off.